Psypoke - View topic - Jamie's Journey

Page 1 of 1

[ 10 posts ]

Jamie's Journey

Author	Message
Poe Pokemon Ranger Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:56 am Posts: 860 Location: Maryland	Jamie's Journey Hi. This is my first fanfic, and don't worry can take critisiom so if I'm doing something wrong, just point it out Name: Jamie Personality: TBA Pokemon: Name: Caroline Personality: TBA Pokemon: Name: Austin Personality: TBA Pokemon: __________________________________________________________________ ~Chapter 1: The Bright Beginning~ The bright sun beamed through the window of Jamie’s room. With a loud thump, Jamie awoke from a deep slumber filled with dreams of his first Pokemon. “Wha- What happened?” he mumbled. As Jamie got up slowly, he scanned the bedside table for his clock. It was nowhere to be seen! Turning his head down, Jamie saw what looked like his clock, now scattered in bits of bolts and gears. “MOM!!!!!!!!!!! What time is it?” he screamed at the top of his lungs. Jamie heard the stamping of feet coming up the stairs so he got up and went to the door. “Relax, I was just about to come and wake you up,” his mother said. “Phew,” Jamie sighed,” I thought I’d be late and never get a Pokemon.” “Well, if you don’t go shower and brush your teeth, I’ll never let you get one.” Just as that statement made Jamie anxious. So he bolted straight to the bathroom and started to brush his teeth. Works every time Jamie’s mother thought to herself, and she walked back downstairs to make breakfast. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ As soon as Jamie was dressed in his new jeans and green vest, he ran downstairs. “What’s for breakfast, mom?” he asked. “Your favorite! Scrambled eggs with hash browns.” Jamie’s mother exclaimed. “Yummy!” As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Jamie’s fork was already digging into the food. “So I don’t forget, let me give you your Pokenav,” said Jamie’s mom, “It has music, phone service, time, and a map. I hear this is the latest technology! “Oh my gosh! Thanks mom!” shrieked Jamie. And with a big hug, he ran back upstairs to get his backpack. When he came back down, he saw his mom standing next to the door. “I guess this is the time where we say goodbye,” she sighed, “But you will call me everyday, right?” “Don’t worry mom, I’ll call you a lot!” “Okay, just remember, no matter what happens I’ll always love you” “I love you too,” said Jamie, as he walked out the door towards the Pokemon lab where the 3 professors from various regions had gathered, introducing the new starting Pokemon. I wonder what they will be like Jamie thought. So he slammed open the doors to the lab and noticed a boy and girl waiting with the professors. “Ah, there you are Jamie,” said Oak, “We’ve been waiting for you. Let’s begin! As you can see, we have 3 Pokemon here,” pointed out Oak, indicating to a table with 3 pokeballs. “Yes, those 3 Pokemon are too be paired up with one of you three,” explained Birch. “The catch is that you don’t choose, the Pokemon do,” smiled Elm. “Now let’s meet each other before the Pokemon come out,” input Oak. “Well, I’m Austin,” said the boy. “And my name is Caroline,” smirked the girl. “Hi, nice to meet you guys, I’m Jamie!” said Jamie gleefully. “Now intros are done, just let’s meet our Pokemon!” urged Oak, “The first Pokemon is a water type named Piplup.” With a red beam of light, a penguin like creature came out of the pokeball. “Awwwwwww! It’s so cute!” screamed Caroline. “No need to scream about anything. Anyway our second Pokemon is a fire type by the name of Chimchar.” “Cool! A monkey,” said Austin once it had been released. “Cool?!? That thing has a flaming butt,” laughed Caroline. “No fighting, you haven’t even gotten your Pokemon yet,” frowned Birch, “Our last Pokemon is a grass type named Turtwig.” And the last Pokemon came out, resembling a turtle. “Now the Pokemon are ready to choose,” said Oak. Immediately, Chimchar ran towards Caroline. “Get away you dumb little monkey!” she screamed as she ran out the door, with Chimchar at her heels. Next, Turtwig made a move towards Jamie but decided to go to Austin at the last minute. “Heh. I got a turtle! This is going to be awesome!” he yelled, and stood by the door. Suddenly, Piplup jumped into an unaware Jamie and knocked him down. “It looks like you got a playful penguin,” taunted Austin. “Well, now that you have your Pokemon, I’m going to give you both a pokedex. It keeps track of all the Pokemon you meet and their data,” explained Oak. “Sweet! So can we leave for our journey now?” queried Austin. “Yes, but be careful,” sighed the professors in unison. As soon as he heard the answer, Austin ran out the door, followed closely by Jamie, yelling for him to wait up. And thus, the journey began… _________________ Last edited by Poe on Sun Mar 18, 2007 2:16 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:36 pm

Crimson Pokemon Ranger Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm Posts: 716 Location: USA EST	Hmm...well I know you were trying to fix your story but it didn't really work. You're supposed to double space when it's a new paragraph not after every line. Anywho, paragraphs start with new ideas or every time a different person speaks. Use some more description, I know it probably seems like you used a lot but you didn't. All of it is well, to be perfectly honest, rather bland. The sentences all start out practically the same way, mix it up it can't hurt. Other than that just some itchy twitchy grammatical things. Keep at it, I hope to see your writing improve. _________________ Link changed to my library.
Sat Mar 17, 2007 8:12 pm

snobord Graphic Genius Joined: Tue Jan 02, 2007 6:44 pm Posts: 251	crimson hit the nail on the head its a rly good start. the story is good though the general punctuatin needs some work when you describe, describe feelings try to paint a picture, and try to evoke a feeling describe why people do think or say things like when someone is angry dont just say "so and so said in an angry tone" try "so and so said with and impatient rage, which stemmed from a lack of affection" try to create a mood with your writing its a rly good start just try to eleborate more im liking this story _________________
Sat Mar 17, 2007 8:20 pm

Peanut-Lover Site Administrator Joined: Wed Jul 05, 2006 10:32 am Posts: 1917 Location: Brooklyn, NY	It would also be better if it was in a bright color (very hard to read in bad lighting). Yes, Double Spacing should be every paragraph, and to show a scene change. Maybe do just a seperate line for everybody's part. For instance (your story until the dashed line): Swampzard wrote: ~Chapter 1: The Bright Beginning~ The bright sun beamed through the window of Jamie’s room. With a loud thump, Jamie awoke from a deep slumber filled with dreams of his first Pokemon. “Wha- What happened?” he mumbled. As Jamie got up slowly, he scanned the bedside table for his clock. It was nowhere to be seen! Turning his head down, Jamie saw what looked like his clock, now scattered in bits of bolts and gears. “MOM!!!!!!!!!!! What time is it?” he screamed at the top of his lungs. Jamie heard the stamping of feet coming up the stairs so he got up and went to the door. “Relax, I was just about to come and wake you up,” his mother said. “Phew,” Jamie sighed,” I thought I’d be late and never get a Pokemon.” “Well, if you don’t go shower and brush your teeth, I’ll never let you get one.” Just as that statement made Jamie anxious. So he bolted straight to the bathroom and started to brush his teeth. Works every time Jamie’s mother thought to herself, and she walked back downstairs to make breakfast. Grammatical things aside, very good development.
Sat Mar 17, 2007 9:05 pm

Auzzie Dragon Tamer Joined: Fri Jan 05, 2007 6:14 pm Posts: 183 Location: Canada EH!!	AWESOME!!! I am Austin in the fanfic . Turtwig wouldn't of been my first pick but still awesome. lol Caroline got stuck with Chimchar that she doesn't like. I like what you have made of the story line so far. I would keep on talking about how bad your writing is but I think it got stated in the 3 posts by the other guys. Improve on that and it will be awesome! _________________
Sat Mar 17, 2007 9:31 pm

Peanut-Lover Site Administrator Joined: Wed Jul 05, 2006 10:32 am Posts: 1917 Location: Brooklyn, NY	I tried to not draw that tie. I was hoping for parrallel. SZ, if this is indeed tied to it, then you may want to link and credit to Auzzie , so that the general public has a bit more background info
Sat Mar 17, 2007 9:52 pm

Poe Pokemon Ranger Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:56 am Posts: 860 Location: Maryland	Thanks for the pointers And P-L: The Austin IS Auzzie but not the Austin in his fanfic. It's a different one. And the Caroline is Draggy. Once Auzzie comes on the chats, I need a description of him. The Jamie in the story is based off of 2x4b, but probably looks nothing like him But for Caroline and Austin, I'm going to make them look like themselves _________________
Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:16 am

The Obsidian Wolf Pokemon Master Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 am Posts: 1559 Location: Dragon's Den	Like it, look forward to what's coming next, but I have one thing: SZ wrote: “Oh my gosh! Thanks mom!” shrieked Jamie... It's a little bit hysterical. I don't wish to offend, but it's a bit over the top. Perhaps: "Oh my gosh!" yelled Jamie, "Thanks Mom!" He grabbed his mother in a tight hug...bla bla bla. Not suggesting you change it, but just keep it in mind for the next chapter. _________________ "Play with fire and expect to be burned."
Sun Mar 18, 2007 2:57 pm

Poe Pokemon Ranger Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:56 am Posts: 860 Location: Maryland	Okay, I see what you're all getting at. I'll make sure I use your ideas in the next chapters _________________
Sun Mar 18, 2007 3:04 pm

Kryten Pokemon Ranger Joined: Sat Apr 02, 2005 11:09 am Posts: 974 Location: England, UK 3497 Psybucks	Meh, it's not bad, not good either. It's way too cliche-d. I guessed it would be like another regular Pokefic. Could you try and think of a twist or something, instead of the regular 'Ash' storyline? _________________
Mon Mar 19, 2007 1:32 pm

Display posts from previous: Sort by

Page 1 of 1

[ 10 posts ]

Jamie's Journey

Who is online