alright i tried
a mod could close this
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| pokemon ranger scuffle*** PART 1*** http://forums.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=10025 |
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| Author: | heartofdarkness77 [ Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:39 pm ] |
| Post subject: | pokemon ranger scuffle*** PART 1*** |
alright my first story here we go PART 1 =============================================== Evan woke up on a sunny day in goldenrod city. He looked at the clock and saw it was 8:00 he was supposed to be at his first pokemon ranger training. He hurried up and got on his clothes and brushed his teeth. He got on his bike and went 80 down a very steep hill and almost hit a old lady with her ninetales. He passed the gym and got to the pokemon ranger HQ. When he walked in he noticed that all the pokemon ranger trainees had started doing jumping jacks. He went up to muscular pokemon ranger and said " hi ummmmmmmm im Evan and I wanted to be a pokemon ranger" " Well i'm captain Morgan and drop on the ground and give me 20 for being late" captain Morgan said. Evan just fell on the ground and started doing 20 push ups. When he was done he looked up at all the trainees. They were all at a table and getting pokeballs. They all started sending out there pokemon all u could here was " GO GASTLY! GO NIDORAN GO! GO MANKEY! etc....... . Evan walked over to the table slowly and saw one pokeball left and grabbed it quickly thinking something might steal it. It said JOLTEON on the back with a little thunderbolt next to it. He didnt know what a jolteon was and was worried it would be something like a magikarp. He finally said GO JOLTEON! and then a little yellow dog like thing came out. It yawned and walked over to Evan and started licking him. Evan heard someones precence in back of him it was captain Morgan. "AHH I see you got jolteon" morgan said "Now you will have to battle with ummmmmm lets see .......................... How bout Taylor. Evan walked over to a really tall boy and asked him to battle. " Are u kidding me" Taylor said " I will crush you but......... i guess i need some one to battle. "LET THE BATTLE BEGIN" CAPTAIN MORGAN SAID "GO STARYU" TAYLOR SAID "GO JOLTEON" EVAN YELLED EVAN: jolteon ummmmmmmmmm............... o ya thundershock JOLTEON: jolt! jolt! bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!! TAYLOR: noooooooooo staryu!!!!! STARYU: star yuuuuuuuuuu (he said weakly) Captain Morgan: one hit KO Evan wins THE END OF PART ONE |
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| Author: | dragonite [ Wed Aug 16, 2006 10:18 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Your grammar need SERIOUS fixing up. In the battle, there was no challenge, since you OHKOed the Staryu. And I don't get why you got a jolteon when all of the other people got pre-evolved forms. And what is a Pokemon Ranger? I'm just pointing out the bad things so you can improve. |
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| Author: | Crimson [ Wed Aug 16, 2006 10:29 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Thanks for going first Dragonite, I didn't want to in this case. A new paragraph begins everytime there's a new speaker. ALWAYS. Work on your grammar, seriously, it will make it easier to read and more enjoyable because of it. Type it in a word processing program like Microsoft Word first, that'll help. I understand you have an obsession with Jolteon like I do with Houndoom. But be reasonable. Make things more difficult for your characters, don't Mary-Sue them the way you are. Make it an Eevee not a Jolteon, and have him obtain a thunderstone later on in the story, much later. You're rushing things, I feel NOTHING for your characters, and that's not what any writer wants. |
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| Author: | heartofdarkness77 [ Wed Aug 16, 2006 7:06 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
alright i tried a mod could close this
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| Author: | Crimson [ Wed Aug 16, 2006 7:11 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
You're giving up? Why? You can't expect to be perfect at something you just tried. Heck, I despise a part of my story, but I'm not giving it up. Posting here isn't all about getting praise, it's about getting critisism too so you can improve as a writer. |
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| Author: | heartofdarkness77 [ Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:45 am ] |
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No its not just that i have no time to right part 2 cuz im gonna be gone i might finish it soon |
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