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| Pokemon Meet Spyro http://forums.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=10053 |
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| Author: | Kyoge [ Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:24 am ] |
| Post subject: | Pokemon Meet Spyro |
Early In The Morning, A Bunch Of Pokemon Were Setting Off To Adventure. There Was One Of Each Pokemon Ready. First, They Went Into Route 103's Altering Cave "Woah," They All Said. Then There Was A Big Hole On The Wall Leading To Another Room. As They Reached The Exit In That Room, Guess Where They Were At... THEY WERE AT OUTCAST ISLAND! Then, Dragonite Flew Them Off To An Unknown Land Called The Dragon Kingdom, The Dragon Kingdom Is Home Of Four Places. Dragon Village, Crocville Swamp, Dragonfly Falls And Gnasty's Cave. "Uh..." Said Rayquaza. Then They Found A Teleporter To The Lost Cities, They Went In It. Lost Cities Is Also Home Of Four Places. Costal Remains, Cloudy Domains, Sunken Ruins And Watery Tomb. On Costal Remains, They Found A Swimming Pool. They Swam In It For Hours. Then They Found A Teleporter To The Icy Wilderness. Icy Wilderness Is Again Home Of Four Places. Frostbite Village, Gloomy Glacier, Ice Citital And Red's Chamber. They Went Into Red's Chamber, They Saw To Dragons Fighting, One Was A Small Purple Dragon With A Yellow Dragonfly And One Was A Giant, Red Dragon. The Red Dragon Got Defeated. As The Purple Dragon Exited The Chamber With The Dragonfly, The Purple Dragon Saw All Of The Pokemon. " Ah!!!!!" He Screamed. After A While He Asked "What Are All Of Your Names?" The Pokemon Said Their Names. "Okay" Said The Dragon. "I'm Spyro, And This Is My Friend Sparx" Out Of Nowhere Came Other Voices "Hey! Don't Forget Us!" A Penguin Flew Down, A Cheetah Came Down With Bows And A Mole Dug Up From Underground. "I'm Sgt. Byrd" Said The Penguin. "I'm Hunter" Said The Cheetah. "I'm Blink" Said The Mole. "Okay..." Said Donphan. Then They Went To Costal Remains And Swam In The Pool. But Carvanah Went Inside The Poolhouse, He Went To The Waterfall Walkway (A Plaza In "Costal Remains". He Went In The Caves To A Beach, In The Beach. He Went Down A Elevator He Found To A Underwater House. It Was The Sunken Ruins, He Went To The Left Entrance To A Giant Pool, He Found Some Buttons And Pushed Them. Out Of The Water Came A Large Statue, Then Carvanah Went Into Yhe Water "Ow!" He Said, It Was Toxic Water. He Was Poisned To Death. He Went Through Another Door And Got Healed, On The Door To The Toxic Pool, It Said "TOXIC RISING". This Is Only The Beginning Of A New Adventure Series Of "Carvanah: Sunken Ruined" THE END! |
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| Author: | Birdknight [ Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:26 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Wow...I could barely understand that... 1) start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes 2) Add emotion to the speakers... 2 of many things that could be improved... |
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| Author: | dragonite [ Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:33 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
1) What birdknight said, new paragraph every time the speaker changes. 2) Whats outcast island? And all of the other places and things you mention? 3) 'There was one of each pokemon' // So there were 386 pokemon? And Dragonite carried all of them there? Even the 3000 pound Groudon? 4) Don't Type Like This. Its Annoying And Isn't Grammatically Correct. Only capitallize someone's name, or when you start a new sentence. 5) DESCRIBE. Describe Altering Cave, Outcast Island, The dragon Kingdom. Describe the pokemon, Describe Spyro and Sparx, etc. Use Similes and Metaphors, etc. 6) Better Grammar overall. 7) Describe HOW. How did the Red dragon get defeated? I hope I helped. |
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| Author: | lapras [ Thu Aug 17, 2006 9:23 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
dragonite wrote: 1) What birdknight said, new paragraph every time the speaker changes.
2) Whats outcast island? And all of the other places and things you mention? 3) 'There was one of each pokemon' // So there were 386 pokemon? And Dragonite carried all of them there? Even the 3000 pound Groudon? 4) Don't Type Like This. Its Annoying And Isn't Grammatically Correct. Only capitallize someone's name, or when you start a new sentence. 5) DESCRIBE. Describe Altering Cave, Outcast Island, The dragon Kingdom. Describe the pokemon, Describe Spyro and Sparx, etc. Use Similes and Metaphors, etc. 6) Better Grammar overall. 7) Describe HOW. How did the Red dragon get defeated? I hope I helped. Exactly. Read something..like take Harry potter for example. Every time they get somewhere, there has to be more dialog or some description. In the 6th book, J.K Rowling described the plain old river, the fox,and the appearance of the two witches in such detail, you could practially see it. I'm not telling you to be J.K Rowling, but have more of a description and make it more EMOTIONAL. Were the pokemon scared? WHAT HAPPENED? Also, you need a grammar checker. Do Not Do What This Sentence Is Doing. It Is STUPID. |
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| Author: | Crimson [ Fri Aug 18, 2006 4:42 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I give the others credit for actually reading your story. You heard me, I didn't even read it. Would you like to know why? It's Because Your Story Is A Huge Blob Of Text Written Like This. No That's A Lie, Your Sentences Are Shorter. Do You Think This Is Bland? I Do, It's Time Consuming Too. I'm Acutally Getting Bored. Oh, I Forgot The Random Bold. There, All Better Now. |
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