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Absol Girl
http://forums.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=11059		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  dragonite [ Fri Oct 27, 2006 8:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Absol Girl
Well, I'm not a very good writer. I'm just not gifted like some people. But I've decided to give it a shot, so suggestions are greatly appreciated. This is based around the same idea as Princess Mononoke, my favorite movie. Its definetly not going to be as violent, though. This is just sort of an introduction/mini story. It is written in 1st person, but Chapter 1 is going to be written in 3rd. Again, suggestions are appreciated, I want some peoples opinions because my stories can be pretty boring sometimes.

Woah its short -_- I'm aware that it should be longer, and maybe not as rushed. I'm working on it.
~~~

I peer outside the cave. The long rain has finally cleared. Cautiously I tiptoe outside, making no sound. Yaku, my absol, follows. The sky is clear. The wet grass feels wonderful in between my toes.

I am not like other 13 year old girls. City girls are wild and crazy. I am quiet and shy. I belong to the absol pack. They are my family.

I see the city in the distance. The city people call it Fortree. But I do not hear the usual sound of city people. Yaku is growling softly. Something is wrong.

I start to run towards the city. I must not be seen or heard. But my tattered skirt trips me and I fall and land in the grass. Yaku scurries to my side. Then I hear footsteps and voices.

I do not know what is going on. But the air around me starts to feel warm. I only now realize the pain in my left foot. Yaku nudges me. A warning. I have to get back home.

It has begun to get hotter. I stand up and see a blaze of red flames. Yaku starts to run towards home. I can only limp. There are more shouts. I turn and see some men pointing at me. I start to run. The pain in my foot worsens with each step. I will not make it home.

Suddenly, Yaku runs up to me and pushes me forward. There is only a little more to the cave. I walk slowly, step by step, until I feel the cool rock floor of my home. I collapse; relieved that Yaku and I are safe. But the fire is still spreading.
Author:  daveshan [ Fri Oct 27, 2006 9:28 pm ]
Post subject: 
First of all, never say that your story is a bad story. It automatically gives people the mindset that the story is going to be bad.

Second, your story doesn't makes sense. Does she live with the absols? Are they her only friends? What started the fire and why is it a big deal?

Frankly, I have yet to find any reason to care about this girl.
Author:  dragonite [ Sat Oct 28, 2006 9:41 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for your feedback, I'll work on it. I was trying out that writing style, it seems that its hard to be very descriptive with it.
Author:  lapras [ Sat Oct 28, 2006 1:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
It's a nice story, but as daveshan said, you should describe her home and her background more descriptively. Who is this girl? Why do I want to read about her? What's the absol doing??

Also, you should try to put it all into a paragraph or something. The 4-5 sentence paragraphs aren't working for me.
Author:  Psyches [ Fri Nov 17, 2006 8:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
I like this story.

I like the fragmentation and the lack of information. Just because it is not written like the critics write their own stories does not make it a bad story. I found this short piece to draw me in more than the thirty pages of crap i've seen many on here spurt out.

Fragmentation in writing is very difficult to do, it's much eeasier when there is dialogue or if it's a straight script, but with this style you've really got a hard job ahead of you. I think the girl sounds intriguing, you should never give too much away in the first pchapter, or in this case as it's short I'll call it a prologue.

I picked up on the tarzan-like scenario, but it coudl have been made a little clearer, though as this is fragmented and supposed to be mysterious i don't see that as a negative.

Overall there is little in this story worth criticising. Just keep that mystery and intrigue, give away only as much as you ask and you'll keep me and likeminded critics coming back to try to find out more.

I don't often give out decent critiques, this is probably the most informative one I've done here. Relish that my pet.

Hugs and Puppies.

Jonathon Psyches
BA Music
Author:  AABM [ Fri Nov 17, 2006 11:52 pm ]
Post subject: 
Psyches wrote:
I like the fragmentation and the lack of information. Just because it is not written like the critics write their own stories does not make it a bad story. I found this short piece to draw me in more than the thirty pages of crap i've seen many on here spurt out.


<font color="999999">:( Yeah, I know, sometimes we all find a long story like... patience-smashing, therefore I think this fragment-structured story leaves me like... intrigued, and makes me to keep reading just because I wanna know more about this character
Author:  ali/mew [ Sat Nov 18, 2006 4:31 pm ]
Post subject:  story
I love it ,but it needs a bit more description
Author:  friendsal [ Mon Dec 18, 2006 4:50 pm ]
Post subject: 
it is the base of a story but u need to add details
Author:  legendary_lord [ Mon Jan 29, 2007 12:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Cliffhanger?
Quote:
But the fire is still spreading.


So is that going to be a simple cliffhanger ending, or will this expand?
Author:  pokemon master 1995 [ Tue Feb 13, 2007 11:37 am ]
Post subject: 
I like it but you did not tell anyone anything.
Author:  Latiosdude [ Fri Mar 16, 2007 4:49 pm ]
Post subject: 
It was a great story but if you write more try and be more discriptive. :D
Author:  Crimson [ Fri Mar 16, 2007 6:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
Hey sweetling, I loved it. You did a great job with the style you were trying out. It made people wanting to know more, a lot of times people can't pull that off with fragmentation. It will typically come out dull and pathetic with no real personality to it. In my opinion fragmentation properly done is a tease, you give the story personality and a tiny bit of information. Leaving them wondering, leaving them yearning, is the true goal of it. Which I'm pleased to say you did wonderfully in this chapter.

Just be careful, in future chapters you'll have to add some more detail or people won't remain intruiged for long. Not too much depending on how you write them, just enough to continue the teasing game.
Author:  TheKyogreKing [ Tue Apr 03, 2007 2:54 am ]
Post subject: 
Very good, I suppose. You used the style of writing properly and utilized the full potential of 1st person writing, something I can never do properly (I'm good with 3rd person, but never 1st.). I think it needs more description, but it is possible to do without it.

I'd give it a... 7.5-8 out of 10 on the world famous KyogreKing scale.
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