this is a story about poke'mon so don't post or pm me about it being about poke'mon i realize that

***

chapter 1 (not all of it)




Will sat quietly at a table in the cruiseliner haeded to a new island region called Shanta. His friends D.J. and Leo where out picking up supper. some of their other friends from Little Root came to their names where Emma and Rachel. His pet Nidoran(female) was sleeping on the chair in the room.
"Why is it that Nida would never battle with any other poke'mon it's very strange."Will thought to himself.
At that moment their was a knock at the door he figured it was probably D.J. and John so he stood up and went to the door. When he opened it it wasn't D.J. or John standing in front of him was a it was a Poliwrath but not a regular Poliwrath it was black with a white stomach and a red swirl.Will was about to grab one of his poke'balls when he heard footsteps out in the hallway the Poliwrath threw a parcel at him and ran.
"What the matter Will it looks like you've seen a ghost." John said kiddingly.
"No but something close." Will said.

Good sides:

Nice story line. Very organized and easy to follow. Good names and you can tell who is the main character easily. Could use of suspense and surprise in your story.

Bad sides:

Try and proof read your story. Run-ons and Fragments make a story somewhat harder to follow. Decent personality distinguishes in the characters, but try to add a little more. Also, try and put more detail in your story.

Overall, I give it a 3.7/5. Very good, just a bit more work.

It is great, a few typos but other than that its a pretty well organized story.