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| Giovanni, 2 Scientists, and a Porygon http://forums.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=13714 |
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| Author: | Peanut-Lover [ Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:07 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Giovanni, 2 Scientists, and a Porygon |
This will feature a Super wealthy businessperson (Giovanni), and two scientists (Daniel and Tom). Giovanni entered the room. “I need you to make me something that can get me a lot of revenue.” he yelled. “Like what?” said Tom, the scientist. “I don’t know. Think of something, OR YOUR FIRED! I want a report everyday on the progress.” he said, emphatically. “You mean, progress reports?” said Daniel, stupidly. Giovanni snapped “Yes. For a scientist, you are very stupid.” Giovanni left. Thirty minutes had passed without any talking. Tom broke the silence. “Ooh, how about a pokemon?” “Umm, how?” Daniel asked skeptically. “Well, a computer one. So kids can practice when they want to go on journey.” said Tom, emphatically “That’s a great idea.” said Daniel, enthusiastically They continued to discuss the fine details, and set the proposal up. Tom called up Giovanni, and Giovanni arrived momentarily In an angry tone, Giovanni said “This better be good!” “It is good - lots of money, big crowd.” said Tom, defensively. “We think we can design a pokemon.” said Daniel, agreeingly “I’m leaving” said, Giovanni, disgusted. “Wait, we haven’t finished” Tom begged. “You have one minute” Giovanni said, disgusted. “I hope you don’t mean a game - we tried that already.” “No, a cyber, synthetic pokemon.” Daniel explained the details. “How would this give me big revenue?” said Giovanni, now very interested. “Well, it will be wanted by those who will become trainers, and regular trainers. Plus, it can be easily made, and unlimited.” said Tom, emphatically. “Then it would be a quick profit, and then it would go down the tubes.” said Giovanni, disheartened. “Quick, yes.” Daniel snapped. “But, the profit will be enormous - nine thousand, nine hundred, ninety-nine game coins.” he said slowly. “You will get the revenues from the game corner, and the visiting of the hotel right near. Most will be too poor to pay for all 9,999 coins, so they will buy half, and gamble...” “...Where they will lose more.” Giovanni interrupted. “That’s perfect! Go with it.” he said. This is my first fanfic - don't be too harsh. More to follow. |
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| Author: | DragonDaithi [ Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:41 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
It's very short and the plot doesn't seem to be going anywhere other than Team Rocket making money so I suggest you have a plot twist soon or it will get very boring very fast,but I like porygon so 6/10 keep going. |
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| Author: | DNA [ Wed Apr 04, 2007 2:22 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Heh. The origin of Porygon, perhaps? This will show why Porygon is such a big hit at the Game Corner. In D/P, I heard you can find wild Porygon, which proves Team Rocket collapsed by then. 8/10. Hope they improve their existing product...Wait. Porygon was created by Silph, but Team Rocket took over Silph, and stole Master Balls and blueprints...Ha! Now it all makes sense! |
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| Author: | Crimson [ Wed Apr 04, 2007 4:29 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Sorcerer it doesn't necessarilly have to follow any previously existing storyline. Anywho Peanut, the general idea doesn't seem too bad but there could be A LOT more description and well...more happening besides the talking. Write about what they were doing while they weren't talking, while they were. Were they pacing, scratching their head, staring off into nothing? And "agreeingly" I know what you're trying to say and I know there are words that work but at the moment I can't think of any....Oh wait, maybe something like "suportively". |
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| Author: | girog [ Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:00 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
You did really good for your first fanfic. It could use some fixing up here and there, but other than that, it is good. |
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| Author: | garabato [ Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:48 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Good story, needs more details, but good overall story. |
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| Author: | GlowVapor [ Sat May 12, 2007 10:17 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Not bad... BUT VERY SHORT! What does a Porygon have to do with this thing? |
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| Author: | Treeckomaster [ Sun May 13, 2007 10:03 am ] |
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I think it's really good. 1010.5. |
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