Story-Chimchar's Adventure

About-A Chimchar who's dad is killed by Hyperbeam,he goes off looking for the attacker.On the way he meets many new friends.

Rate-[PG]

Chapter 1

Chimchar peered around the corner to watch his dad, Infernape, teach the group of students that had showed up. "One day he'll teach me too" Chimchar whispered to himself. He hated being young.Why couldn't he just evolve already so he could join the class.Than just as he was watching a powerful attack blasted at them. All Chimchar could do was watch in horror as the class ran away screaming-where was his dad? Than he saw. His Dad was lying on the ground, moaning in pain. Chimchar went up to him.
"Da-Dad?" he asked whimpering, "Are you ok?" Infernape looked at him with sad eyes, "I'm so sorry I never got to teach you how to fight."he said hoarsly. "No!No!Your gonna be ok!" wailed Chimchar. "I love you son" and than he was gone."NO DONT GO!" wailed Chimchar over and over again. After an hour when Chimchar saw he could do no more he scribbled a note and placed a hand on his father's stomach." I will avange you Father" he said. Chimchar started to walk away. He looked back one more time before dissapearing into the forest.

CHAPTER 2

Chimchar had been only walking an hour before the sun started to set. He hadn't gotten far, mabey a mile. He plopped himself down on a stump.
"Who am I kidding, I don't even know who the attacker was" he said obviously upset. "Why are you so sad?" asked a sweet voice.
"Who Said That!"demanded Chimchar. "Just me." said the voice. "Yea and who's that,SHOW YOURSELF" Treecko demanded. "Ok."said the voice and out came a young Budew. "So what is the matter"the Budew asked. "It's a long story." replied Chimchar."Well I have tons of time!" said the Budew happily. Chimchar sighed and told Budew what had happened.
"Well, if you need help with your little mystery I can help you navigate and I know tons of people who could help." "Won't your parents mind?" asked Chimchar. "Nope, they are dead too."Budew said as if it was perfectly normal. "Aren't you-" Budew didn't let him finish, "No more questions. I'm with you and that' that!"

So the two set up camp together, they had a long joruney ahead.

T_T...Alrighty then. First things first some very valuable Urls for you to go to.

The Decent Fic Guide
Fan Fiction Rules

Now how do I put this...Well, for one thing why would an Infernape, that's supposedly old enough to be a father, teach other Infernapes how to fight? That just doesn't make much sense in my mind.

Don't double post, especially within the same minute. If you're going to double post make sure there is a lot more time in between them, I think a week is fine.

Props on your ability to use the shift key. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see that not everyone's lost that ability.

Double space your paragraphs, no formating like tabs or spaces before hand to indent work on the forums. You can try to your heart's content, it still won't work. A new paragraph begins every time a different character speaks. It doesn't matter how short it is, the rule still stands.

Now that the technical stuff is done let's get onto the critique on the content of your story! Let's see...well I wouldn't call these chapters, they're way to short. If they were flushed out more instead of so rushed I may be able to see it; but, alas, they are not. They're horribly rushed and leave the reader empty. They left me thinking '...uh huh...what a wonderful way to spend my break...'

There are better ways to emphasis what a character's saying, thinking, and feeling instead of using all caps. use a wider vocabulary, look words up if you don't know some more. Thesauruses do exist for that purpose. Over all it needs to be flushed out, maybe then it would be more interesting.

I agree wholeheartedly with Crimson.

Another thing I have noticed alot of people on this board tend to do is put 2 speakers on the same line. I can't express in words how much this annoys me! Begin a new paragraph every time a new speaker begins to talk. It makes the story so much easier on the eyes to read.

and Chimchar must have a Ditto parent that he inherrited Transform from.One second he is a Chimchar then a Treecko then a Chimchar again.

No I would have to say Chimchar stays a Chimchar...

I'm guessing he was thinking one thing and typing another. Don't tell me that its never happened to you.

Toxic, I never said I haven't. And I'm sure I have at one point.

Infern, these are my responses to your responses. I know you PMed them to me, but it really wasn't necessary.



My apologies for making an assumtion. But, your protagonist said he had to evolve before he could be in the class. To me, at least, it would make more sense if his father was not an Infernape. A sensei should be more 'advanced' than that. As I originally said it doesn't make much sense in my mind. Which labels it as an opinion.



The honest truth is that I don't care about why you did it. Don't bother trying to give a justified reason as to why you did it. At this point, the chapters are so short that there is not a good excuse. If they were longer then I could understand, but they aren't so don't bother. You could have easily copied both into the same post, avoiding this issue all together. Most internet browsers allow you to have more than one window or tab up at a time, so you could just switch between the two. Or, you could copy them into a word processor and then copy again and paste them into the post box.

"WAKE UP!" It was Budew.

"Alright, Alright. I'm getting up." groaned Chimchar.

"Good."said Budew very matter a factly, "We have a guest comming."

"A GUEST! WHO DID YOU INVITE!" demanded Chimchar getting up quickly.

Budew laughed, "Nobody, but it got you up didn't it?"

"I'm gonna get you......" said Chimchar playfully.

The two chased each other around and around and around again. Suddenly Chimchar stopped.

"What is it?" asked Budew.

"Lo...Look" said Chimchar pointing to something in the woods.

"Chimchar I'm sure it's noth-" Budew saw it and gasped. "What is it?"

"I don't know" replied Chimchar.

And with that the creature lunged towards them.


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If you like this make sure to check out my other story- The Epidemic[PG13} go to http://www.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopi ... highlight=

Way to short. Lengthen it up a bit please.

Way TOO short

Way way way way way WAY to short.

What else can we say- SHORT