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Latios and Latias' origin!
http://forums.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=5581		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  jayman [ Tue Oct 25, 2005 1:44 am ]
Post subject:  Latios and Latias' origin!
Chapter One
Ash and Co were out on a quest. Professor Oak had sent them on a journey to find the lengendary pokemon Kyogre and Groudon. They were in Sootopolis city visiting Max's friend Wallace. Wallace told them about the legend of Kyogre and Groudon. He told them that there best chance of finding these two rare pokemon was in the Cave of Origin but no one had permission to enter this mysterious cave, Wallace said that he could pull a few strings, so the next day they were due to meet him outside the Cave of Origin where he would get them ready for journey that lay ahead..........
*********************************************
Chapter Two
Wallace handed them lots of usefull items food, drink, a

torch, sleeping bags, pokeballs (just in case) he even

lent them some of his pokemon. Wallace explained that

the Cave of Origin was very large and it would take at

least a day to get where they wanted which was right at

the very end of the cave. When they were ready they

set off into the Cave of Origin.............
*********************************************
Chapter Three
They entered the cave not making a sound. "Come on we've got to do this for Prof Oak,"Ash said encouragingly, they got up started on there journey. It was freezing but they urged themselves on. It got darker and darker and eventually they couldn't see at all, thay decided not to send out there pokemon so that so that they could rest in there pokeballs. That night they got out they sleeping bags and slept. When they woke up they ate and carried on. "Arghh!!!"
"What was that?", Ash stuttered.
"It sounded like May"Max replied.
Ash comanded Pikachu to use flash there eyes stung as they had not seen the light for ages, but then they saw a small hole. Ash went down first. When they were all down they saw it or them. Two figures moving silenty as if in a trance............
*********************************************

I know it doesn't have anything to do with Latios or Latias yet, but they will come soon.
Author:  Nidoman [ Wed Oct 26, 2005 6:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
cool i like it so far
Author:  2x4b [ Thu Oct 27, 2005 1:32 am ]
Post subject: 
I like it but the chapters are kind of short.
Author:  jayman [ Fri Oct 28, 2005 11:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
I did it about a ear ago, I'm gonna make the next chapter longer.
Author:  TeenageAngst [ Wed Nov 09, 2005 6:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
Ugg...I've read the backs of books with more flavor and intesity than this. The first two chapters are like reading an uber-condenced version of whatever it is you're trying to say, minus anything other than the highlights. As for the third chapter you just throw the reader around like a ragdoll. The writing style is terrible and the cliffhanger cheesy at best. Oh, and they're called "paragraphs" not "chapters".

1/10
Author:  darklugia [ Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:09 am ]
Post subject: 
i like chapter 3 but i think chapter 1 and 2 needs more improvement.
5/10
Author:  Latiosdude [ Fri Mar 16, 2007 4:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
It's great so far Also the chapters are kind of short.But chapter 1 needs improvment, although chapter 3 is great.
Author:  shadowman777 [ Sun Mar 18, 2007 6:34 pm ]
Post subject: 
its actually pretty interesting so far keep writing
Author:  Crimson [ Sun Mar 18, 2007 7:30 pm ]
Post subject: 
The entire thing could definitly be improved, as I'm sure you've figured out thanks to some of the considerate [and not so considerate] posts above my own. I'll do a first and give some, what I hope will be, helpful advice.

Regardless of doing this a year ago, with how short each...chapter...is you could easily edit them. Try flavor texting [adding details] it'll help bring the story to life...right now it's very bland.

I'll make an example with your first few sentences...don't steal them for your own merely use it for reference.

    Ash and his friends were on what seemed to be a futile quest for Professor Oak. The old professor had asked them to find the legendary pokemon Kyogre and Groudon, how were they going to do that? They were considered legendary pokemon for a reason. Regardless of their concern for Professor Oak's mind they had agreed and eventually made their way to Sootopolis City. It had been rumored that their was an ancient cave that had served as a shrine to Kyogre and that it remained their to this day. Just a silly rumor, but Max had wanted to visit his friend Wallace so they went to the city anyway.


You could probably pull of a better cliff hanger if you combined all three of these...chapters, virtually nothing happens in any of them. Granted big things don't have to happen but these don't fit into that category.

I'm happy you started new paragraphs when different people spoke, you have no idea how happy it makes me. But to make your chapters easier to read double space at the end of each paragraph [not line, paragraph]. It'll just make breaking up everything and reading it a whole lot easier.
Author:  SulfoniX [ Fri Mar 23, 2007 4:07 am ]
Post subject: 
i agree. i guess it should improve
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