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Dan's adventure II
http://forums.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=8179		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  Kyogre356 [ Sat May 06, 2006 5:47 am ]
Post subject:  Dan's adventure II
O.K O.K, I admit it! Most people hated Dan's adventure [ :cry: ]. But, I'll make a better sequl!
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Dan was at home looking for a channel on T.V when the news came on: We inturupt this program for news. Prof.Brich and Oak have 6 new starters all on lv. 50. They are: {diglett} , {magnemite} , {staryu} , {beldum} , {numel} and {carvanha} .
Dan:"By mom! Better get the Magnimite and Beldum!" Dan got to Prof.Oak's lab. Dan""Hi Oak" Oak:"Hello Dan! Let me guess, you want Magnemite ?" Dan"Yes!" Oak:"O.K. Magnemite will like you in about 3 min. Then, a Pokeball fell on the floor and opened. Out came Magnemite.
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Out of time!
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I edited.
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Then, Dan went to Prof.Brich.Brich:"Dan! What Pokemon do you want?"
Dan:"Beldum!"
Brich:"O.K!"
==================================================
Back in 10-30!
Author:  Crunchy [ Sat May 06, 2006 9:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
It looks like a ripoff of the actual anime Pokemon...with that Magnemite hating Pokeballs...just like Pikachu...
Author:  ShinyMew151 [ Sat May 13, 2006 5:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
sorry but i didn't really like it.
Author:  Kyogre356 [ Sun Jun 11, 2006 7:10 am ]
Post subject: 
I'm back in! I was out a long time!
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{magnemite} :"Magna!" the Magnemite got exited and used Thunder.
ZAP!
Oak:"Oh...I forgot...It has high attack..."
-------------------------
Whoops! Gotta do something. Be right back!
Author:  cwisgood [ Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's adventure II
Kyogre356 wrote:
O.K O.K, I admit it! Most people hated Dan's adventure [ :cry: ]. But, I'll make a better sequl!
==================================================
Dan was at home looking for a channel on T.V when the news came on: We inturupt this program for news. Prof.Brich and Oak have 6 new starters all on lv. 50. They are: {diglett} , {magnemite} , {staryu} , {beldum} , {numel} and {carvanha} .


Okay, this thing is really bad. First, try not to use icons in fanfics. After all, stories are meant to be words.

Kyogre356 wrote:
O.K O.K, I admit it! Most people hated Dan's adventure [ :cry: ]. But, I'll make a better sequl!
==================================================
Dan was at home looking for a channel on T.V when the news came on: We inturupt this program for news. Prof.Brich and Oak have 6 new starters all on lv. 50. They are: Diglett , Magnemite , Staryu , Beldum , Numel and Carvanha .


Fix the spelling mistakes.


Kyogre356 wrote:
Okay, okay, I admit it! Most people hated Dan's adventure [ :cry: ]. But, I'll make a better sequel!
==================================================
Dan was at home looking for a channel on T.V when the news came on: We interrupt this program for news. Prof.Birch and Oak have 6 new starters all on lv. 50. They are: Diglett , Magnemite , Staryu , Beldum , Numel and Carvanha .


Fix the punctuation and stuff that doesn't make sense.

Kyogre356 wrote:
Okay, okay, I admit it! Most people hated Dan's adventure [ :cry: ]. But, I'll make a better sequel!
==================================================
Dan was at home watching T.V when the news came on.

"We interrupt this program to bring you some news. Prof. Birch and Oak have 6 new starters, all on lv. 50. They are: Diglett , Magnemite , Staryu , Beldum , Numel and Carvanha .


Use words instead of numbers.

Kyogre356 wrote:
Okay, okay, I admit it! Most people hated Dan's adventure [ :cry: ]. But, I'll make a better sequel!
==================================================
Dan was at home watching T.V when the news came on.

"We interrupt this program to bring you some news. Prof. Birch and Oak have six new starters, all on lv. fifty. They are: Diglett , Magnemite , Staryu , Beldum , Numel and Carvanha .


Drop the level system, too unrealistic.

Kyogre356 wrote:
Okay, okay, I admit it! Most people hated Dan's adventure [ :cry: ]. But, I'll make a better sequel!
==================================================
Dan was at home watching T.V when the news came on.

"We interrupt this program to bring you some news. Prof. Birch and Oak have six new starters. They are: Diglett , Magnemite , Staryu , Beldum , Numel and Carvanha .


Add more description.

The rest of the chapter seems to be similar trash.
Author:  Orange_Flaaffy [ Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:32 am ]
Post subject: 
The level system can be used in fic and still be realistic, but not in this way :? .
Author:  Lapras_lover [ Thu Jun 15, 2006 11:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's adventure II
kyogre356
Quote:
Then, Dan went to Prof.Brich.Brich:"Dan! What Pokemon do you want?"
Dan:"Beldum!"
Brich:"O.K!"


How did Dan get too Birches lab? He was at Oaks and they are quite far away from each other. If lots of people hated Dans adventure maybe you should try a different character. The professors would not be giving starters too old trainers; they would be saving them for new trainers. If all the starters were on level fifty then they wouldn
Author:  mudkipman [ Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:16 am ]
Post subject: 
Wow, pretty unorganized.

First, dont say gotta go somewhere be right back in the middle of a story.........grr......................
Second, what the heck is with all the lines???????? :twisted:
Author:  AABM [ Mon Sep 18, 2006 2:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
It seems that Dan
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