heres my new fanfic
most ppl give a description of the main character/s and their pokemon but im gonna let my writing do the describing so here we go.

The bright sun shone through the large windows. The bright white walls are covered in posters. A computer sits beside a large television in a corner. Mounds of dirty clothing lay strewn on the floor. A lavish four-poster bed rests on the floor. A male, not yet a boy, not yet a man, lays on the bed, arms and legs outstretched. A blue plaid quilt is draped over his body. He hears a muffled beep coming from underneath his clothes. The boy’s shoe lands with a thud and the beeping stops. He dragged himself out of bed and wandered over to the closet. His hand ran through the many shirts and pants. He stops at a blue and white colored shirt, and white cargo shorts. The boy pulled the shirt over his ruffled hair and slid the pants up his legs.

“Tyler get down here its time for breakfast, and we need to talk to you,” his mom said.

“For god’s sake I’m coming, let me get dressed,” Tyler said in an infuriated tone.

Tyler walked out of his room and down a long hallway covered in valuable paintings. He came to a large marble staircase where he starts to walk down. Tyler proceeded on into the kitchen. He sits down at long granite table with arrangements of food. The bluest berries, the most buttery croissants, the fluffiest of eggs, potatoes, cold cereal, yogurt, and everything in between were sitting in ornate glass bowls. The tall church style, windows let light through onto the glass bowls. He peered over the light reflecting through the bowls with disdainful eyes. Two dark luminous figures loomed over the other side of the table.

“Good morning Tyler,” a false cheery voice shrilled from across the table.

“Bite me you cow,” Tyler responded.

“Tyler, we need to talk. Your 18 now and you have finished high school, and trainer school.”

“Yeah what’s your point?” -T

“Well you don’t want to become a trainer don’t you?”-M

“No”-T

“You have been living in this mansion with everything handed for you for too long. In one hour, you are going to go to Professor Oak’s lab and you are not coming back until you make something of yourself as a trainer. As of ten o ‘clock today these doors will be locked,” Tyler’s father said in a looming tone.

“This ridiculous you can not do that”-T

“We just did”-D

Wow awesome writing. lol "bite me you cow" and why wouldn't Tyler wanna be a trainer, like c'mon thats probably one of the best jobs you can have. Anyways, I like it, keep writing.

new chapter i made this one a lil longer
Tyler stormed out of the room with his head held low. He climbed the large marble staircase contemplating what would become of him. He did not even know the first thing about actual pokemon. He went to trainer school but he didnt know about actual pokemon. How could he possibly be expected to care for a pokemon. In his room, he begins to gather his clothing. While putting them in an expensive burlap backpack he discovers his poketech that was buried underneath clothing. He threw it in his bag with total disregard. He put his thick wallet into his back pocket, and threw his sunglasses onto his face. He walked out of his room down the hall, descended the marble staircase, and out the foyer and into the crisp spring sun. He starts to walk down a dirt path. The sunlight envelops the road and tickles the back of Tyler’s neck as he starts of for professor Oak’s lab.
Tyler gets to the lab, and he looks up the small building. Dozens of eager trainers to be are waiting outside. A whisper covers the crowd as the door to the lab slowly opens. An old frail man walks out of the lab. He is wearing long khaki pants and a white lab coat.

With a loud booming voice he said, “Hello I am Professor Oak, and today you all become pokemon trainers. Now every come inside and make a single file line in front of my.”

After all the trainers piled in Tyler was pushed back and ended up in the back of the line. The were computers all over the house and books upon books were aligned on many shelves. In front of Tyler, a girl had a blue ribbon in her blonde hair and wore a green dress.

“Hi what’s your name? My name is Emily. I have wanted to become a trainer since I was a little girl. I love water pokemon ever since my big brother became a Gym leader in Sootopolis but that is in Hoenn. My family just moved from there I miss all my friends but I am ready to become a pokemon trainer. Ooh listen to me rambling on about myself, you tell me about yourself.”

“Ugh, I am Tyler. I live down the road down the road down there and I don not want to be here.”

“Well that’s depressing,” Emily said in a cheery tone.

“Next,” Oaks voice boomed over Emily.

It was almost Tyler’s turn. He had now idea what to expect but he could not care less. Tyler had seen as the trainers before him leaving happy with pokeballs in hand, but he only resented them. There carefree sense of life, unbridled joy, he hated it all. Why do they get to be so happy?

“I guess you’re the last one. What’s your name,” Oak said in an authoritative manner.

“My name is Tyler”
“And how old are you and where are you from.”

“18, and Pallet town.”

“Oh we have ourselves a local boy. Well because you are the last person, all we have left is this rambunctious little squirtle.”

“What ever.”

Oak-“oh your trainer card just printed here you go. And here is your pokedex it autimaticly records all the pokemon you see and catch. Also I have updated your poketech with a map function and a manual describing the Kanto league challenge. And here is your squirtle.”

“Thanks I’m outta here.”

Tyler marched out of Oak’s lab with a disdainful look on his face only to find a down pour has ruined the perfect day that once was. He decides to let his squirtle out to see what a pokemon was really like. He threw the pokeball and with a flash of red, the squirtle popped out. The squirtle started to look at Tyler and Tyler at the squirtle. Tyler looked deeply into the squirtle’s eyes, he saw a crisp clean blue slate in those eyes, and they were ready to be molded into something great. His gaze was broken by a loud silencing crack of thunder and all at once, the squirtle shrilled and ran off. Tyler did not move but only stared at the squirtle as it ran. There was an aura of disappointment about him. As the rain hit Tyler’s face, the raindrops could have easily been confused with the newly formed flood of tears. He knew he could not go home so he dragged himself through the mud towards route 1. In the distant fog he could make a out a figure lying on the ground. Even though it was just a silhouette, he could feel the helplessness, betrayal, loneliness. He felt himself laying there in the mud with it.

Awww.. poor squirtle...

yeah but wut about the messed up kid and that thing in the mud

I agree with Meeps the "Pika-Xatu" (lol). Yeah, the Squirtle hasn't done anything (yet lol). Tyler, being a little pampered boy, deserves a little whipping into shape from the real world to see what life is really like! Muhahahahahahahahahaha......

Ooh, sorry I got carried away. I want to see the next chapter soon, friend! Muhahaha... (lol)

But what if the thing in the mud is squirtle :roll: ...

You know

DNA I got an idea! my avatar is "PikaTu"!!!

but what if that thing wasnt squirtle because his squirtle ran away and will never be his

I was thinking of other combos like that, but none of them - including Pikatu - sounded good sorry...except for "Xatuchu"...

And snobord I really hope you're working on this story...because I like it quite a bit. (Let's not debate over what the thing in the mud is but rather wait until we really find out!)

forgot i had this going
Tyler ran over to the poor thing in mud. As he ran he could feel the mud between his toes. He knelt down in the mud next to the sobbing creature. It was covered in fur and mud. A collar hung around its neck. There was a small stone attached to the collar. Tyler did not know what the stone was or what it did. Engraved into the collar was a name, EON. It was only then that he realized that it was a pokemon. Tyler searched around in his bag for his pokedex. It clicked open and said,
“Eevee, the evolution pokemon. Eevee can often be found near cities. An extremely rare pokemon that evolves based on various stimuli.”
The pokedex clicked shut. Tyler took the poor eevee into his arms. He gazed long into its glossy brown eyes. Again he saw himself, alone, abandoned. He knew he had to help eevee. He started to run into route one and sprinted as fast as he could towards viridian city. As he ran through the muddy grass he noticed the grass getting taller. Tyler heard a loud squwall, a rattata was staring directly at him. Tyler knelt down to put down the eevee. But as soon as eevee touched the ground the wild rattata lunged. Tyler in a wild impulse dived in front of eevee to protect it. The rattata’s teeth dug into Tyler’s back. The only pain he felt was the fear in that was in the eevee. The rattata kept on biting Tyler’s back. Tyler finally let out a scream of agony. The rattata got frieghtened by the yell and ran away. Tyler got up exhausted, his back ripped apart, he picked up eevee and started running. His thoughts were a swirl of pain and anxiety. As he got into Viridian city, the light from the streetlamps began to swirl with light from the incandescent night sky.
Tyler awoke the next morning to a lovely cheerful woman with pink hair.

“Hi I’m Nurse Joy, you passed out just at the edge of town. Your eevee is recovering quite nicely.”

“What I don’t have an eevee.”

“The eevee you had huddled in your arms is not yours.”

“No I found it covered in mud wincing in pain, so I decided to bring it here but then we were attacked by a rattata.”

“So that is where those marks on your back came from. Would you like to see the eevee.”

“Yes, please.”

Well, it didn't take me long to figure the Nurse Joy dialogue (I've seen worse, believe me), but I do like the story so far. Although, proper punctuation would be a good thing, so it sounds clearer, like this:
(My corrections will be in bright red)

“Hi, I’m Nurse Joy. You passed out just at the edge of town. Your Eevee is recovering quite nicely.”

“What? I don’t have an Eevee.”

“The Eevee you had huddled in your arms is not yours?”

“No; I found it covered in mud wincing in pain, so I decided to bring it here, but then we were attacked by a Rattata.”

“So that is where those marks on your back came from. Would you like to see the Eevee?”

“Yes, please.”

The comma after "bring it here" is optional (you can go with or without...)
I'm not trying to vent my anger on you; every writer needs a critic (e.g. Crimson )

- DNA

i dont rly give a damn about proper punctuation
im just writing a story and its the plot and the themes that are important not the punctuation

Erm, yes you do. That, or fear Crimson's wrath. Punctuation helps put stress on certain words, and allows more focus in certain places. Plot, themes and characters are outlined by punctuation, whereas capital letters mean that if you drift over work, it allows you to see who the main character is, and shows their importance.

Overall, its an okay story. Certainly got a lot of potential.

You should definetly "give a damn" for punctuation and structure. I read your story to some point and it seemed to have a lot of potential, but I stopped because it started to get hard to figure out who's speaking, when a sentence ends and what kind of phrase it is (question, exclamation, etc).

Plot is certainly not everything. If your story isn't appealing to the eyes it won't attract as much readers as you'd like. And you certainly won't be getting as much positive, constructive feedback as you'd expect.

What you consider to be important could not be enough. It's true that everyone has their priorities, but if you know that your work lacks aspects and constructive critics are pointing that out, why are you telling them off? Because you are lazy? Or is it because you are aware of your mistakes and came up with an excuse to justify them?

I will be more strict on moderating this section. If you don't care about the many criteria of your story, including punctuation, and could care less about improving when readers are pointing out your mistakes, you shouldn't even be writing (or displaying any kind of work, to be honest) in the first place.

Take this as constructive criticism, not an offense. I might sound harsh here, but it's just because this kind of "I don't give a damn for important aspects in my work" attitude ticks me off. That's how you sounded like.

dont wrry no offence taken i just dont have the time to thouroughly go through and check my spelling i barely have enough time to get my ideas down im more curious as to what everyone thinks of the plot and where they think the story might go

Dude, that's a sign of a lousy writer.
And if you don't have time to spell check, you can't really be putting that much effort into a story. (Come on, just pressing F7 can't be that hard.) Think of your plot, and find a way to artistically string all the events together. That's what makes a great story - along with putting a bit of your soul into it. Still, I do like this and it would sound better with proper capitalization and punctuation.

- DNA

F7 is spell check?


snobord I like your story even tough there is a lot of spelling mistakes that I don't notice

my what????? o.o ooh, an idea. whatever happens in this story, he catches the squirtle later(if he becomes a trainer)

And that changes anything because...Oh right it doesn't. Silly me for thinking that such a horrible argument held any water.

While I'm happy that you don't take constructive critiscm badly...I'm very upset that you feel your lack of time is any excuse. Write your story on a word processor. That way you can save it and work on it over a period of time, so you aren't rushing and doing a slapshod job. If you have a memory stick you can carry around a copy of the file so you can write on other computers too.

Write out a hard copy, punctuation included, so that way when you go to type it up it's already there and you'll hardly notice typing it if you're anything like me. And you can carry pencil/pen and paper nearly anywhere so you can work on it any chance you have.

For all those ideas, have a note book designated to them and write the main idea of them down so that way you don't lose them. I have one and I have at least 15 other stories I've yet to start within it.



What a horrific thing for you to say. You SHOULD care, A LOT about the grammatical structure of your story. It makes you story easier to read, and it makes it look more professional which is more appealing to the reading eye. I think it's so pathetic how you care more that your story's font is colored purple than the grammar of it. That's just horrific laziness, with a horrific excuse tagged onto it. Plot, theme, characters, organization, and grammatical structure are all very important in stories. I could list more, but it probably wouldn't be worth my time.



Shame on you Meeps. You can like any story you want, but you should notice so many mistakes in his and your own writings/reviews.

See, Obsidian accurately predicted the future: "That, or face Crimson's wrath." Well, Crimson has brought her wrath, now you have to face it...and escape alive.
Yes, F7 is Spell Check for Microsoft Word. It's the word processor I use, and also the most popular I believe.


Yeah I remembered that but then forgot it. It's supposed to be "...in front of me." And snobord if you continued this story and listened to Crimson (and my comment about punctuation ), then the story would be great. Trust me.

- DNA

I'm rather predictable like that. :roll: My wrath is like a storm at sea, and it will die down just as suddenly unless provoked further though. That's another predictable thing about me.

I expected this from Crimson if you read my story "Tragar's Journey." I didn't expect it to be so lengthy though. This story seems based off May from the television series. May didn't like pokemon, but as she trained with them and won contests, she loved them in the end. It would be a lot better if the grammar was correct, but it's kind of like May not liking pokemon: You will like it the more you try. I'm just saying that. I don't like it that much either, but I know that people will complain if I don't.

Offtopic real quick. Hope that you have fun on PokeJourney, Crimson.